Real Talk: Getting to Know You! Oh, and Me Too!

November 1, 2015Be, Do, LoveBeDoLove View all 5 comments

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been doing a disservice to myself when establishing or in the midst of a special intimate/romantic relationship. Being way too lackadaisical in my approach when ♪♪Getting to know yoooouu. Getting to know the things about yoooouu.♪♪ Often thinking going with the flow is the way to go because everything would reveal and work itself out in the short and long run. However, I’ve come to realize I’ve been extremely mistaken by this lazy whack approach when sourcing the love of my life. This also pertains to how I tend to operate in life in general.

Through about 33 years (could be more, but let’s say 15 and under years of age were the run, catch and kiss years) of dating I’ve relied more on my trusty observant, laying in the cut characteristic trait. Not asking enough thought provoking and revealing questions. You know those soul stirrings required to make informed decisions on whether I should continue rolling the dice for my next move of love. Or due to there being a crucial red flag(s) on the play, should I thoughtfully pause and perhaps close up shop with the quickness like when hearing the loud booming horn alerting of the pending tornado coming to a Midwest town, not near me. For me, learning as things were organically revealed was (Noticed I said was? Look at meeeee.) the way to go. This approach can certainly serve its purpose at times. However, after one of my recent serious self-reflection episodes I experienced an “ah haaaaa” moment (They are coming to me more and more.) and I now have come to grips that this approach should never have been my primary form of relationship exploration.

Here’s the “Real talk!” As my introspection has me now getting to know me on a more profound level, I’ve also realized that not being mentally involved in the process was probably my way of avoiding being uncomfortable with having those necessary revealing and vulnerable conversations. That way of being was keeping me from going all in, serving as a safety net for my heart as I was being led by protective yet often misguided Ego. Furthermore, being totally transparent could lead to finding out my romantic interest at the time was not my dream come true and was yet another failed attempt at love as I find myself once again ending my two timing relationship with “giving them the benefit of the doubt”. Or the big WOAH is they would find out I’m not their perfect match. Because, ultimately in my always wanting to know that I am enough, why would I want to go too too deep and reveal something that would put a stamp of disapproval on my already fragile and scarred beating sporadically heart.

What I’ve noticed is, I wasn’t asking thought provoking and deep diving questions such as, “What is your relationship like with your mother/father/sibling(s)? What was it like growing up in your household? What are your thoughts about marriage/children/religion? How do you and God get down? What are YOUR deal breakers/red flags? What are your flaws? Why did your last relationship end? Or something as simple as “What is your favorite color?” Sure, I could have the light fact finding conversation, unveiling fun tidbits in terms of thoughts on traveling, where they grew up, do they love restaurants… Which are important too for the adventures and love of life. “WHAT?!?! You don’t fly. ANYWHERE?” And, eventually of course I would learn their color of choice. “You love purple. OMG!!! I love purple tooooo.” Geez, who doesn’t love purple?

My thriving and ever nudging intuition would always be present and accounted for as my trusty guide. However, it was often ignored. But, I typically wasn’t asking anything of importance that reached down deep to the core of a human being. I’m speaking of information that would provide the necessary insight into if my love interest is going to be able to BE, DO, and LOVE life and me in the way that feeds my core in a healthy, nurturing, and loving manner. Can your being get down with my being? And, vice versa. Are we simply compatible in our thoughts, beliefs, desires…? And, for whatever is not simpatico for us, at the very least it’s not a violation of my moral fiber or interference in one’s ability to fully CONNECT with ME and ME with YOU. Yet are only normal differences that will occur because after all we are human beings living our own human experience.

Don’t get me wrong. I would eventually learn important life thoughts, positions or ways of being about my love interest either through conversation, observation or intuition. The thing is I just wasn’t in charge and ahead of the process and my destiny. I was paying attention, but I often wasn’t functioning at attention.

What I have found is one red flag and deal breaker after another, often were revealed before even the luscious fifth sealing the deal kiss occurred. Instead, having whether they are a knock me off my socks kisser like fireworks on the Fourth of July as a check mark. Which don’t get me wrong is a must for me like the many weekend Hallmark (I ditched Lifetime a long time ago because all those movies were teaching me the only way to finding and keeping a love interest was to stalk, manipulate, drug or kidnap them.) movies I love to watch because they keep my “I love being in love” spirit romantically grounded. As opposed to seeking out “Do you pray?”, I on the other hand in my true to form “let’s play it as we go along” would roll with it. Sometimes knowing what I know from the first dance, except I wasn’t leading. However, in an effort to just have “Love” I tell my best friend intuition (aka my oversized knot filled gut) “I got this” so go grab me a cocktail (to further dilute my senses) and then go sit your know it all ass down.

What I do know for sure is it’s time to lift the fog and allow myself to see with all three eyes and not from the place of fear and from which is limiting and playing small. I have zero time to waste and wait it out while slowly figuring it out. And, I require not another what could have been avoided heartbreak once I FINALLY remove the avoidant blinders as I tend to my “why you keep doing me like this” beat up heart.

It is rightful for me to see. It is rightful of me to know. It is rightful for me to say no by gracefully declaring “You know you’re amazing. I love that we both love purple. However, you love Lifetime movies and I love Hallmark movies. It’s best that we end this now so we can go back to the business of enjoying our Saturdays and Sundays on our individual lazy day couch.” It is rightful of me to have no less than what I know my spirit requires to evolve, thrive, be nurtured, be safe, and be loved. And, you do too my lovelies. It’s time for us to stop blocking the blessings and start asking the right questions and then LISTENING! Instead of getting out of our own way, on this one we have to be up front, leading the way. I like it to a maestro, taking your rightful place on the podium, leading and becoming in tune and in sync with your symphony as you create the beautiful and flowing melodies of your life.

But, what I also know is before I get to know YOU I must get to know ME. With that said, “Hi Kathryn! Nice to meet you…” And, then when I meet you my love interest, as my girl Jilly from Philly melodically speaks, ♪♪Let’s take a long walk around the park after dark. Find a spot for us to spark conversation, verbal elation, stimulation. Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations, elevations, maybe we can talk about Surah 31:18…♪♪ BeDoLove –kcb

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Morning Pop Talk – Goooooo METS!!!

October 24, 2015UncategorizedJackie Robinson, Max Scherzer, Neil Diamond, New York Mets, Sweet Caroline, Washington NationalsBeDoLove View all 2 comments

Pittsburgh Pirates vs. Washington Nationals game, 6/20/15. Max Scherzer no-hitter game.

First the backstory: Wednesday night the New York Mets clinched the Major League Baseball’s 2015 National League Championship Series by sweeping the Cubs and advancing to the World Series for the first time since 2015. When it comes to the subway series’ teams, Pop is a diehard Mets fan. Not sure how it happened, but in my formative elementary school years somehow the Yankees wooed me. Perhaps it was the lure of Mr. October, Reggie Jackson. Although I know I was hooked before that awe show-stopper World Series of a performance. To prove my love, I still have baseball cards from the 1970s that include many of the Yankee greats and other teams’ players. At PS 221 in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, I was a self-proclaimed queen at the 1970s version of the baseball card game. At the cafeteria lunch table, I’d snatch up my opponents’ wad of baseball cards just.like.that.

Up until just beyond college, I remained an avid baseball fan, which included watching games on television. I’m not into baseball as I once was (I actually don’t watch any sports as in previous years. I have my theory regarding my disenchantment with modern day sports, but I’ll save that for another day.), but I still appreciate the game. And, there’s nothing like visiting a ballpark and taken in a game, especially with the newer ballparks adding their own special flair of experiences and food options. (Don’t get me wrong, I love a good grilled Nathan’s hot dog and some sticky Cracker Jacks with the hat to match. Goodness no I didn’t go there. Anywho, what I getting at is us foodies also love other good food options.) Singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” to my now favorite Neil Diamonds’ (Brooklyyyyyn STAND UP!) “Sweet Caroline” are sometimes more anticipated than the game itself. Okay, I may be over exaggerating, but they are cool, nerdy, and ♪♪SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!♪♪ (Sidebar: I use to do a pretty good Neil Diamond impersonation. I might still have it.) This past summer’s serendipitous moment, Pop was visiting me and we attended a baseball game. It was perfect timing. We witnessed Max Scherzer pitch a no-hitter for the Washington Nationals, to beat the Pittsburgh Pirates. Before exiting the stadium Pop simply and perfectly stated, “That was beautiful”. I agree. It really was beautiful and magical I might add.

Pop enjoying the game – Pittsburgh Pirates vs. Washington Nationals game, 6/20/15. Max Scherzer no-hitter game.

Pittsburgh Pirates vs. Washington Nationals game, 6/20/15. Max Scherzer no-hitter game.

You know, while I ponder further, Pop is Jets. I’m Giants. Baseball, football, basketball, growing up in a household with men, I loved them all. And, watched them all, including boxing, (Man I loved boxing.) with Pop, my brother Terence, or on my own. But, I imagine because Pop and I respectfully appreciated (New York City love is New York City love.) the other’s teams, there was no trash talking going on. So much so I didn’t realize Pop was Mets/Jets well into my adult years. Humph… Exhibit A evidence of my independence as a child was real. But, we’re both Knicks. Simpatico! Although, in their current state, the Knicks will be the death of every New Yorker that’s a fan. Can you say Brooklyn Nets? But, I digress. Back to Pop.

The only baseball team other than the Mets that Pop has a heartfelt love for is the LA Dodgers. You know why that is right? Come on. Noooo, it’s not because he loves the sun and beautiful people of la la land. This is an easy one. Think! Because, they were previously the Brooklyn Dodgers (I already hinted that I grew up in Brooklyn) which included who I would imagine was Pop’s baseball and Civil Rights Movement’s man crush, Jackie Robinson (He’s the first Black man to play for a MLB team, the Brooklyn Dodgers.). #42! Ebbets Field! Brooklyn! Crown Heights! (our hood) An amazing Black man knocking fences down and representing. Priceless!!! What Black (or Negro back then) man working and living to be acknowledged and respected during the Civil Rights Movement, wouldn’t have had a man crush on Jackie Robinson? Mr. Robinson provided many proud, poking chests out moments on and more profoundly off the field.

Here’s how Thursday, October 22, 2015 (The morning after the Mets win to clinch the NL MLB 2015 series.) “Morning Pop Talk” went. (The usual call on my way to work.) Me: Heeeyyy! Pop: Good morning! Me: Did you see that I called you earlier? Pop: I saw your name. Me: You feeling good huh? (I already know the answer.) Pop: (excited) I watched the entire game. I stayed up and saw the whoooole thing. (This is big for Pop since he’s normally knocked out just past Jeopardy.) Pop: Goooooo METS! AMAAAAZING!!! Me: Yeah that was cool. Pop: So what are you about? Me: On my way to work. Pop: It’s nice when young people have somewhere nice to go. Hahahahahahaha… Me: I know right. Pop: What are you doing this weekend? Me: Not sure yet. Pop: Yeah I’m thinking of something. Maybe next weekend. My sinuses are acting up. (Pop is us to something. Probably planning his next visit to me in his head.) (There’s a slight pause in the conversation and I know somehow we will get back to the Mets) Pop: Niiiiccceeee!!! (We’re back on Mets feel good talking points now.) Pop: Surprising that the Cubs went this far. Actually, surprising for the Mets too. Next season was supposed to be both their year. Me: They were talking about the “Curse of the Billy Goat” on GMA this morning. Pop: They (meaning everyone) have been talking about it the whole time. Me: They said the name of the goat happens to be Murphy (How crazy is that because Daniel Murphy is the Mets’ player who waxed the Cubs a$$ the entire series. He’s had a home run in EVERY game and 1 hit/1 run/1 RBI in seven games in a row-HUH???). Pop: Hahahahaha… Pop: I think Kansas will take it. (meaning the AL series) Me: What’s the series? Pop: 3-2. Kansas at 3 and Toronto at 2. I think game six is tomorrow. It’ll be the Mets and Kansas in the final. Me: Cool! (slight pause) Pop: Alright. Have a good day. Me: You too Pop: Pop: Be safe. Me: You too. Pop: Love! Me: I love you too. Pop: Okay!

Pop is definitely on a natural high. I love experiencing him like this. At this age (86), I’m blessed and grateful to see life and a spark in him. I hope for many more moments like this. I think I know what I’m getting him for Christmas this year. Shhhhhh…

The beauty of life is seizing upon moments that can provide magical serendipitous memories. It can be just as simple as changing the channel to the baseball game, having a seat, and chilling. All in the company of beautiful loved ones. Take time to seize any moment you can, authentically connecting. Any moment! For THIS moment is all YOU have to share with love and harmony. Love!!! BeDoLove

PS: Pop probably wants to visit next weekend so we can watch the World Series together. Who does he think he’s fooling? I’ll gladly welcome him so I can see and experience that smile on his face (And, get some oxtails.) when the Mets become the 2015 World Series champions. Again, New York City love is New York City love.

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Celebrating the Beautiful Jackie!!!: It’s Still September!

September 27, 2015UncategorizedBeDoLove View all 2 comments

I had the lovely honor of saying a few words at my dear friend Jackie’s 50th birthday celebration a couple of weekends ago. Well with me few words can be challenging, especially if someone has filed an authentic, loving and beautiful space and connection in my heart and spirit. Jackie is a true gift to me (and many others) from Mother, Father, God, The Universe. Who knew when we met one fall day around this time in 2001, that we were about to embark on a journey of life, friendship, and growth together?

Jackie, I’m so excited to see what’s in store for you and us as we with open hearts journey on into the next phase of our lives, bold, beautiful, sexy, and 50. Which, by the way, you wear well and, therefore, ease my approaching “I can’t believe I’m turning 50.” Below is what I read at the celebration. And, below that is Jackie’s thoughts to me she posted on Facebook after the celebration. Truly blessed and grateful I am. I love you, Jackie!

I hope you are all just as blessed to have friendships that exist and exude loving reciprocity such as I’ve had all my life. It’s essential. And, I ask you, when is the last time you celebrated a friend and expressed to them how special they are? You really should give them their roses while they are here. Love!

My love thoughts read to Jackie at her celebration (what an AMAZING affair it was): Dear Jackie, Any opportunity you have you’re like a quick sly fox. A friendly fox swooping down right into the midst of an existing conversation. But there is something different about your plan of social circle bust up. You often don’t come in eager to talk about you or whatever the existing conversation that’s going on, but instead you come with a loving agenda. An agenda of providing thoughtful, loving, fun, and sometimes silly thoughts of a well sort out particular family member, friend, perhaps a colleague in that circle, by providing your thoughtful memories or thoughts. And, I’ve been blessed many a times to be one of those people on the receiving and humbling end of hearing you speak of me in a way that sometimes is a “WOW! Not only does she love me. But, she SEES me”.

Jackie, you have a gift. A gift of creating one to feel special. To feel loved. To feel noticed oftentimes during a time when they may need it most to be SEEN! I’ve come to realize that if ever I need an ego boosting or head blow up moment… Or if I’m on the campaign trail for love, that you should introduce me. Those moments I could cunningly make eye contact with you so you’ll come over and work your not short or lost for words magic.

Yesterday you commented on one of my Facebook posts and you said, “Kathryn Boxill you are such a blessing to a lot of people… mainly me!” Well, Jackie Walker, it’s safe to say by the many beautiful smiling faces here today to celebrate your amazing 50, that you are such a blessing to a lot of people. I thank you for being that person to me and being one of my biggest cheerleaders. I thank you for being a mirror and example with your brand of love that’s steeped in consistency, acknowledgments, vulnerability, and fun. You breathe and ooze unconditional love. It is unconditional love that allows me to just BE ME in all of the interesting and sometimes “Huh?” twist and turns of my life.

I am grateful to Mother, Father, God, The Universe for ordering our footsteps right into each other’s lives. And, gifting me, you.

Jackie Walker, I wish for you the same unconditional love that you extend to many. I wish for moments that when you need it most people will speak to you and of you with love and reverence. I wish you mental and emotional peace and harmony. I wish you clarity for your passions to come through and feed you with so much joy in your next phase of life. And, I wish you many more enriching times of love, growth, fun, and laughter with Brenda.

I love you, my friend. I love you. Happy Birthday!!!

BeDoLove, Kathryn 9/12/15

Jackie’s love thoughts to me posted on Facebook:

Artwork by Keisha Carroll of Mosaic Art Studios

The heart where God dwells has this infinite capacity to love. Having said that, I love a significant number of family and friends and a whole host of other things that bring me joy! I want to take a special moment to both honor and thank my Sister-Friend Kathryn Boxill. You can’t sleep on the quiet ones. Kathryn is the epitome of “Be Do Love”. She is this butterfly that possesses all this beauty; but she won’t demand your attention like the cute puppy that wants a treat…no-no she rests in her humility and she paints on her canvas, she cultivates color, art and poet expressions and it is up to us to notice. During my birthday celebration, I looked around the venue and saw this awesome artwork of me…and I thought wow!!! But how, who, when…and did not know until later in the evening that it was a gift from Kathryn. Not for recognition or fanfare, but because she is that beautiful butterfly who doesn’t have to do all that…Kathryn, you are beauty; you are one of God’s finest works! I love you girl! Thank you for the gift of the magnificent artwork and the gift of you. I’ve attached a pic of one piece that was done. Kathryn, I’d like you give a shout to the sister who drew this. ONWARD!!!! 9/13/15

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Who’s Your Lovely “Morning Connection”?

August 30, 2015UncategorizedBeDoLove View all 6 comments

Each morning we rise and shine to the dawn of a new day. But, do you know there is someone(s) you cross paths with on a daily/weekly basis that you could mean the world to? I’m not talking about your child, significant other or that special someone you wake up to every day. Although sure they are important and a given to receive your love and attention. My pop calls me in the morning at least a few times a week, particularly as I drive to work. I am truly grateful for him and those special moments and try not to take them for granted.

Typically, at least once a week I gas up at a specific gas station when I enter Annapolis, which I pass on my way to work. One day as I entered the gas station, I looked up and noticed the cashier was looking my way and smiling as I pulled up to my usual front and center pump. As I stepped out of Lincoln and approached her (it’s cash only, less expensive station) I smiled and gave her a warm ♪♪Good moorrrniinnng♪♪ (sang it despite being extremely tired after a previous hellacious flying experience the day before), followed by brief pleasantries, and a “have a nice day”. Some days she will acknowledge either how dressed down I am “you working out today” or how dressed up I am “You look nice” (with a look of WOW and approval). There are days I acknowledge to her that she wasn’t there on previous visits, and I ask her how her day/week off was. When I ponder on it, I miss her smile when I pull in and see she’s not working. She probably doesn’t even realize how grateful I am, because sometimes her smile has been the first one that I’ve experienced for the day. I think I’m going to print this out and give it to her, so she knows what impact she has on me, and I’m sure other customers. It would also be a nice way to show my gratitude and appreciation for her and how she connects with me.

Okay, you might need another example of what it’s like to be a gift to someone. This year I hired a new employee. Every morning he makes it a point to stick his head in my office to say “Good Morning Ms. Boxill”. Sometimes he’s reluctant to do so because he notices my head buried in my desktop with my morning email reads and replies. Some days he might not immediately speak, but eventually comes at some point and says “I saw you were busy earlier, but I wanted to say good morning.” Sometimes he’s apologetic about it. And, I always respond in kind with “Oh no, thank you”. You see, even in my businessness I have to be mindful to genuinely acknowledge him with morning pleasantries. After all, he could just as easily allow himself to become buried with work and numb to what should be an automatic and comes naturally to him. He blesses me. Therefore, I bless him in authentic kind. Reciprocity ya dig?!

So who is your “Morning Connection”? Could be a barista, a security guard/front desk attendant/receptionist at your home or office. Perhaps your daily bus driver or train conductor, a neighbor walking the dog, or someone you see at the gym during your morning workouts. Or maybe, a regular customer of yours, UPS/FedEx/mail person, cleaning lady, colleague, boss, or maintenance engineer. Or even a homeless person you might not notice, but who to them you are their normal. Either way, if you haven’t already, take note. Be present to your surroundings and those in it. Go where you are needed. Because it is no accident that these love beings are placed in the path of your daily walk with life.

The next time you see your “Morning Connection” and every other time after that sing ♪♪Gooooood Moooooorrrnnnniinnnggg♪♪ (or Good Afternoon or Evening applies too) to them. Take a moment to ask how their day is going or weekend was. Give a nice compliment (i.e., nice haircut, girl that’s a beautiful blouse, you do a great job at…). During your normal morning ritual, purchase two bagels instead of one and gift one to said homeless person or cleaning person. Find out your front desk attendants birthday and present them with breakfast or flowers on their special day. Matter of fact, you don’t have to wait for their birthday. Just do it whenever. Random acts of kindness can provide much joy, gratitude, and continued abundance.

You see where I’m going with this? Because, after all you could be someone’s first “Morning Connection” that gives them the love and boost to get them through another second, another day. You never know who needs you first thing. Everyone has a story. Everyone is not fortunate enough to be blessed with a rising to a new day sun smile, kiss, hug, “Good morning” or “I love you”. So be the beautifully unwrapped gift they need more than anything. Right in that precious moment. Be the gift! Hopefully, your bright energy will be infectious, and they will feed off of it and in turn be a gift to another and another and another. And, especially to themselves. You see how this works? This love game is so much bigger than you might think.

Let’s make it a fabulous and loving day and upcoming week filled with authentic “Morning Connections”. Matter of fact; make it morning, noon, and night. I love you. Oh, and “Good morning. You look amaaaaaziiing. Have a fabulous day”. Namaste!!! ONWARD!!! BeDoLove

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Giver or Taker? – Time To Check Yourself

August 9, 2015Be, Do, LoveBeDoLove View all 4 comments

♪♪Givers are going to giiiiive. And, takers are going to taaaake.♪♪ Yeah I woke up this beautiful August Sunday with a R. Kelly like song in my heart. Goodness, it’s already August.

Who are my givers out there? Show of hands. You. Okay, you. OH! You too. Okay, I see you in the back reluctant to raise your hand. Is it the shame of your unappreciated and often reckless giving that now has you burnt, bruised, and depleted of the free expression of love you once knew? A heart that once overflowed with a giving, free flowing, and selfless love. A heart that is now as coarse as a Saudi Arabia desert sand that is the catalysts of a profusely sweating, disoriented, breathless you who now feels like a how did I get here used up fool.

Oh, lovely it’s okay. We’ve all been there. Yes, me too. And, I’m here to tell you it’s not too late to replenish your spirit. To be free again. To trust again. To attract those into your space, that will receive your gifts of love with grace and gratitude. Then reciprocated back to you two-fold and effortlessly from another love being that gets that they too were placed on this earth to be THE GIFT to you, and you and you too! You know how the Universe can and will do.

GIVERS!!! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Okay, wait a minute. You need to listen to this. Time for you to wake up and lift that self-inflicted blinding fog and hear me out like a loud fog horn that’s sounded to alert, wake you up, and guide you to safety. What are afraid to not see? What are you afraid to not BE? GIVERS!!! It’s up to YOU to be conscious and awake to know when you’re being taken and used! Because, most takers are not able to access the situation and question whether they are a giver or taker in a moment, and instead shift with love. It’s not in the takers handbook titled “I Take Therefore I Am”. Because when they are in it to win it at all cost, THEY ARE IN IT. Because, their Ego somehow has convinced them that they deserve everything that comes to them even at the expense of breaking down another’s spirit.

Keep in mind that takers are not one dimensional. Some may think that unhealthy taking only involves taking one’s money or gifts. You know those material types of things. Like this months rent from the sugah daddy or sugah momma whose looking for any bit of love and a caressing back rub. Even if it’s a lie “You know baby that I love.” Or the conceited flexing and flossing of a red bottom shoe purposely sashaying through the club looking for the first OG posted up in the corner popping bottles. Just as fast as the blink of a batted eye it can all disappear at that moment when the late night clock gongs and that sexy shoe has now turned into an ugly toothless crackhead pumpkin. KARMA! BEWARE: Real crafty takers have an art of thanking you and telling you how grateful they are only to return eventually and sh*t on you with their actions, and I’m better than you words. Be prepared.

Real talk! Taking can also occur on an emotional and physical level. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. Financial abuse. Or how about this. It could also be that you’re always there for someone. However, they are like a thief in the midst of a cold, heartless night. They being unavailable when you need them most with a compassionate ear while exhaling over a glass of wine or with a ride to the emergency room as you are looking to heal your unfulfilled, damaged and broken heart.

Givers it’s up to YOU to govern yourselves accordingly. First know your BOUNDARIES! Access what feels good versus what doesn’t. Listen to your spirit because it is your voice that is there to love you and guide you. You know when your gut/intuition is screaming out to you singing ♪♪Stop the love you save may be your own.♪♪ Be COURAGEOUS enough to SPEAK UP and voice your feelings, concerns, and boundaries. Perhaps a verbal declaration is not necessary. Making a pact with yourself and acting accordingly could be enough to move forward. ALERT: Understand that most takers will not understand your change of heart. Let’s face it, you gave to them so long that it has become their normal pick-me-up first thing in the morning cup of Joe. So be prepared for them to victim you. They will cleverly confuse, shame, and guilt you to have you feel bad. And what else? They will make it about them as they continue their quest to take more and more and more. This will be where you will have to decide what is more important to YOU. Is it more important to give to someone that does not LOVE and APPRECIATE you? All because of the fear that they might vamoose out of your life to another waiting in the wings looking for love in all the wrong places being. Or because you don’t believe a true love being, whether they may be a lover, friend or family member can come along and fill a void, but this time lovingly and with compassion and gratitude.

I’m almost done here, but I first must ask you this. How can you attract and truly love another who also lovingly loves you if you don’t even know how to love and care for you? I know. I know. You as a giver, love and care a great deal about them. I get it. But, what about YOU? Are you your own taker? You must know that YOU deserve YOU too. The peaceful, joyful, fun, and loving YOU. Trust me. I understand the fear. But, the moment you start to take care of you, be true to you, and love up on you, you’ll start to experience a shift. You will begin to attract to your life those love beings and things that the Universe has ALWAYS had waiting for YOU. You deserve to be the loving giver and nurturer to you too so that you can be a healthy giver to others. So I ask again, “What about YOU?” You have it in YOU. It’s okay to CHOOSE YOU! TRUST YOU! TRUST Mother, Father, God, The Universe! And, KNOW it will, and you will be just fine. Time to be CONFIDENT! Be BOLD! Be FEARLESS! Be AUTHENTICALLY LOVING! Time to BeDoLoveGIVE! –kcb

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I Am/You Are a Magnet for Abundant Blessings

July 26, 2015UncategorizedBeDoLove View all 2 comments

Repeat after me: Divine connections and opportunities are tracking me down like a silent yet deliberate ninja swooping down. I am a magnet attracting wonderful and well-appointed blessings. Because, as long as I continue to live in good faith, Mother, Father, God, The Universe will reward me with what was ALWAYS meant to be. You must trust and believe your steps were ordered well before you were even conceived.

Don’t hang on to people, places, or things that are not ultimately attracted to you or you to them and do not serve your higher purpose. You MUST let them go to OPEN up those precious spaces for those divinely ordered and beautiful blessings.

Why do we pick and choose what is to be manifested? It really is already ours. We can actually have it ALL and be the queens and kings living our true and created just for us existence. Fear no more your power. Fear no more true joy because you are so used to having doubt and pain as a result of dysfunctional experiences and relationships that now have you subconsciously wounded into believing this is all you can have. It’s like thinking an oppressively hot, humid and breezeless summer day can never again exude an effortlessly swirling cool and refreshing breeze that comforts and nurtures your entire being. Chile please. Oh, and also fear no more what they may think or say. You are not responsible for another’s low vibrating walk of shame with each quicksand step now stuck in their righteous hell. Them wanting to drag you down too because they just can’t see what glory awaits them if they can just open up their heart and mind and SEE what is truly and lovingly meant to be!

With the grace, mercy, and favor of God, as long as you are living a life of integrity, grace, and LOVE, the beings, the promotion you wanted, the money for the bills, new house or college tuition, and the love of your life will come. And, whatever else your spirit yearns for as your soul screams out frantically like the GPS for your life with life fulfilling directions and purpose that will gracefully dance into your life one by one by one… It will be so blissfully overwhelming that you will eventually have to pinch yourself as you finally realize and profess “YES! I AM FINALLY LIVING AND LOVING AMONGST THE LIVING!”

Keep the faith. Stay positive in the midst of the storms. Be OPEN and ready to receive. Remember this, you will not see the blessings full bloom unless you are fully present to know when they have arrived and have been planted firmly before YOU and for YOU. And, THEN have the ability to accept them with loving, nurturing, purposeful and authentic actions as opposed to dismissive sabotaging infractions.

The wheels are already turning behind the scenes my lovelies. Again before you were even born as this well-appointed human being. Let the blessings flow like the Niagara Falls cup which runneth over. We ain’t seen nothing yet. Trust and believe life can begin again at this moment and the next and the next… But first you must Believe! Sprinkled with: Love! Faith! Hope! Gratitude! Compassion! Openness! Courage! Vulnerability! Authenticity! Abundance!!! BeDoLove! Repeat… –kcb

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Happy Birthday Ron – My Soft Smirk Angel Still Lives

July 23, 2015UncategorizedBeDoLove View all 2 comments

RIP Ron “MF” Davis, Master Coach, Master Friend, and Master Spirit!!!

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Ron Davis. No matter the years that have passed the feelings of loss remain. I still miss you. I still grieve the loss of your physical presence. I still mourn not being able to pick up the phone and hear your voice morning, noon or late night. We shared so much amazingness and craziness with each other that a void continues to exist. I miss our one of a kind connection. That all-knowing, yet I still love you and will rock with you connection. You were my safe place to land. I still have full on meltdowns that swoop down on me with no notice because it’s still unbelievable. Even at this moment and this year, life has been challenging. My broken yet healing heart yearns for your voice, your wisdom, your booming laugh, your “fuck that/them”, and your unconditional love. You were a double-edged sword of a spiritual mentor transported from the serene backwoods of Bali deliberately balanced with an around the way straight up concrete jungle New York City/Queens boy. I loved that. Your way of being secretly gave those you were real with, permission in knowing we don’t have to be pigeonholed into how it looks or being one dimensional, but that we can sip hot chamomile tea and guzzle a cold 40 of Ole E.

However, I have solace in knowing that you were and still ARE. I am grateful that you loved me like none other. I am delightfully reminded of you through my spiritual enlightenment (you see your girl flexing), song, dance, and laughter. In unexpected moments, I hear you laugh, I channel your house music leg stretch, wave, and tap and strongly feel your presence especially when I travel. It is refreshing that I can always count on you to be my road dog.

Circa 2008 at Sonia Benson’s 40th Surprise Birthday Party

I am stronger, wiser, bolder, and loving and lovable as a result of your many thoughtful and take no shit life’s lessons. Those lessons that are forever embedded in my spirit so much so that I live, I breathe, I write, I BeDoLove. Certainly you knew before I knew. With that, I sometimes hear your approval with your simple yet affirming “very good”. Hoping you are proud of me and my curiosity, movements, gangsta, and growth. Then I get a visual of your soft and warm smirk of affirmation, which has me to soft smirk back as my heart pitter patters with the joy of your soothing visit. It feels good when I feel your presence. I still attempt to channel you in those “what would Ron say” moments as I continue to navigate and be challenged in life and especially love. For you were my gangsta cheerleader, guide, and friend. But, now my Gangsta Angel!

DC Caribbean Carnival – Somewhere Around 1998

Your legacy lives on as the many lives that you touched are doing amazing things and transforming lives, if only to save themselves. Because, the gift you gave was showing us all that we matter, have purpose, and can have it all. It is so my friend. And, the beat goes on. Your tireless work will not go down in vain. I see so many beautiful visions of those you touched, blooming left, right, and center. For me, with every word I read in order to stretch and become further enlightened, every word I write to express and inspire, every word I speak to share my story or help guide another, I feel you there every step of the way, guiding me, and giving me a soft smirk followed by that affirming and exhale causing “very good.” We honor you as we continue to do the work, transform ourselves and the world, and “Live Out Loud”.

Stay with me Ron Davis. Please stay with me my Gangsta Angel. Your work is never done. Our work is never done. So, Kathryn Lives! We All Live! And, Ron Lives Still! I love you man. Keep visiting. I need you. We need you. RIP Ron “Mother Fucking” Davis, Master Coach, Master Friend, and Master Spirit!!! Ase! BeDoLove

The Younger Days

P.S.: Hey birthday boy, I’m going out to DC to hear some house music tonight in your honor. Join me poolside and under the setting sun. And, let’s leg stretch, wave, and tap and soft smirk together. Love!

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Be YOU! – Nerds (and Geeks) Do Do it Better!

July 12, 2015Be, Do, LoveBeDoLove Leave a comment

NERD (GEEK) SOULS UNITE! Hi! My name is Kathryn, and I’m a nerd. Oh and a geek too. Hiiiiiiii, Kaaaathrrrryyyn!

Hey, You! HELLLLOOOOO!!! Let me holla at you for a minute. Yes, YOU! You, trying to act all hard and like you can’t just be silly and do some crazy out the box ish. Like you too cooooool for school. Trust me when I tell you that nerds do have more fun.

While at a Farmers Market recently in Baltimore (which by the way Bmore is on the come up), a sistah randomly stopped me to check out a t-shirt I was wearing (was gifted to me that morning-thank you). The t-shirt said, “Nerds Do It Better”. My fellow nerd souljah had connected with the wearable declaration, and we commenced to having a playful yet real exchange that ended with me saying “We gotta claim it.” And, she responding with, “It’s about time.” Our very brief encounter was quite fulfilling and plenty nourishment for the spirit. She got it. She gets how we’ve been suffocating, holding back often all in the name of how it might look. What a refreshing exchange it was. It was a true NERDS SOUL UNITE moment.

I imagine it started at a very early age for you. You know that moment that a vampire sucked the free-spirited energy out of you (this can also apply to dream snatchers). You were acting all silly. Clowning around. Talking to your imaginary friend. Dancing in that corny kind of rhythm less nation Saturday morning cartoon way. ♪♪ So when you’re happy (HURRAAAY). Or sad (AWWW!) Or frightened (Eeeek)… An interjection starts a sentence right!♪♪ And, mama or nana said, “Child stop acting so silly. Stop it. Sit cho butt down.” Or if you got Trinidadian peeps like me it would sound like “Tek care before I buss some licks on yuh backside.” HA!!! And, you not quite believing their seriousness, smirked and continued acting like you were cookooooo for cocoa puffs. And, then you failed the ultimate test of a hot summers day menopausal (yoooooo hot flashes will make a saint of all saints morph in to Lucifer the incarnate) patience as the wrath of big mama (or that Trini wrath) came down on you.

Perhaps you were often silenced. Not listened to. Criticized. Or for you it could have been more traumatic. That moment that the ultimate of violations occurred and your innocence was stolen from a suffering thief who was trusted with the most beautiful precious goods, in this case, an innocent young life. Many victims still living yet not living as they are caught up moving through life with the walking dead.

Now after the spirit assassinators moved forth with their lives oblivious to their transgressions or not oblivious at all as they deliberately attempted (and oftentimes succeeded) to kill your spirit, your path probably took one of three directions. 1. Your spirit silently vowed even at that young age that no one would steal your joy. You smirked, cried it off, and kept it moving with determined reckless abandon to ultimate success. However that looked for you. “Look at me. Look at me. I’m a unicorn.” 2. It had a profound effect on you. However, not enough that it would ultimately doom you to a consistent life of pain and boredom. But, at times had you noticeably tight-wound. Yet, thankful with the ability to self-diagnose the unattractive vampire symptoms, and subsequently being able to check yourself, process, regroup, and proceed to go all out in full nerddom. Ummmm… Yeah, I fall into this category. 3. You were so wronged that your free spirit and self-esteem were shattered. The inner child was prematurely put to death and you began to fall into a downward spiral of perfection, pleasing others, worrying about how you or it looks, and choosing to not dance like someone was not watching. As the beat of your own drum was lost forever. Hence, the student now became the perpetrator/teacher now shunning others because of their displays of nerddom and living their lives out loud. Passive aggressively inviting them into your soulless home because after all crabs do hate to die alone in a barrel.

But, trust it’s never too late to turn the tide. You can pack up and choose to take up residence in a joyful nerd accessorized home. How? It’s easy. BE YOU! Whatever that is. Tap into your passion(s) and LIVE it. It’s never too late to be the person you were put on this earth to be. Oh, and LAUGH. Laugh at any and everything, including you. Be silly.

Childhood Buddy Michelle is Down With The Nerd (Geek) Soul Movement

DO YOU! Ride a horse. Stare at pictures and statues in a museum. Climb a mountain. Go bird watching. Read a book. Lots of them. Star gaze. Go to the opera. Play chess. Join a band. “This one time in band camp.” Or simply wave your hands like you just don’t care.

BE YOU! Be an astrophysicist, librarian, curator, gardener, ballerina, genealogist…

LOVE YOU, others, and life! Forgive and learn to trust again. Not only others but also yourself. Be loving, compassionate, affirming, nurturing, and kind. Embrace your and others uniqueness.

I must admit that sometimes I allow myself to get caught up in the world of others who knowingly or unknowingly attempt to cease and desist me exploring and living a fun and purposeful life. Or who don’t get me or life and therefore rain on my playful displays of joy, silliness, and gut busting laughter. Sometimes I am unknowingly hypnotized and become the vampire towards others or even turning on myself. But, through it all I work (you got to put in the work to stay on the road of self-love and nerddom) at getting out of my own way and channeling my inner child as I continue to be cookooooo for cocoa puffs. And, by doing this I without a word but with action give others permission to do the same. You see how that works? Join me! Pleeeeaaassseeee! The movement needs you. YOU NEED YOU!

So it’s time to lighten up. Time to laugh as often as possible until your gut is about to bust (YO Dereine we are way overdue.). To dance silly and wild. Shoot you remember Ellen from Seinfeld and how she would get down? Full on so you think you can dance nerddom.

Your inner child deserves to breathe, exhale, and live freely. So by all means it’s okay to think and do outside of the box. Matter of fact Rule #1 of Nerddom is you MUST think and do outside of the box. Boxes are nerd’s kryptonite. If you’re worried about what anyone is going to think, don’t. It’s your world. It’s your joy. It’s your freedom. It’s your life to live. And, you deserve to live it as outrageously as you possibly can. Ride the wheels of nerddom and geekdom until they fall off.

SIDEBAR: One more thing. Forgive! Forgive! Forgive those jerks from your ruined Christmas past of reindeer sweater haters. And, forgive you because if nothing else you’re stuck with you for the rest of your life. That’s another blog post in the making. But for now, live your life out loud. The Nerd (Geek) Soul Movement needs you.

Find Your Voice! And, BeDoLove like a nerd/geek! — kcb

“Dedicated to my Nerd/Geek Soul Movement Squad.”

Baltimore-DC Caribbean Carnival Parade 2015 – Mud Mas

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Speedboating Through This Thing Called Life

July 3, 2015UncategorizedBeDoLove View all 2 comments

Let’s face it, sometimes I get caught up, allowing my fears and emotions to lead me. I sometimes getting stuck in the quicksand of the sometimes self-loathing woe is me moments of life. But, when I get out of my way and allow myself to be in the moment, man… To be honest, this doesn’t take too much for me when it comes to experiencing the many wondrous adventures of this infinite world. For the world is truly my… I mean the world is truly OUR oasis and is not to be ignored. When I’m open “The Vortex” is real. Doors and experiences open up with the extension of hands left, right, and center saying “Let’s go, Kathryn, we got you and get you. Let’s continue with the business of living life because we have something new and wonderful for you to experience.” This is when it’s extremely important for me to be present enough to take the hand of those pleasurable and uplifting living in abundance moments.

I get that Mother, Father, God, The Universe will keep providing those “mind blowing” experiences, especially as long as I allow myself to be available and open. What’s special is they are those experiences that allow me/us to recharge, connect, have purpose, breeeathe, exhale, heal, be at peace, and to let me/us know that we are AAALIIIIVVVEEEE!!! And, those experiences allow for those falling in love with life all over and over and over again. Those extraordinary experiences that tingle the “Sweet Spot”.

Why Do I Say All of That?

A few Saturday’s ago I woke to what would be an amazing day. My dear friends Goddesses L&G invited me to join them (and Goddess M) on their speedboat, and I could not resist. I thought this would be a nice way to get myself away from the hustle and excitement of DC and do something different that would delight my spirit. So I journeyed out to Brandywine, MD to meet them at the destined dock and sail out into the Patuxent River. Or correction, speed out as I soon realized our vehicle for the day was a beautiful bright yellow speedboat. VAAAROOOOMMMMM!!!!

First, a little history lesson. The interesting thing is I hadn’t previously thought about the Patuxent River. My experience had been always hearing folks talking or writing about the Potomac River or the Chesapeake Bay.

The Patuxent River is a tributary of the Chesapeake Bay in the state of Maryland. It is the largest and longest river entirely in Maryland, and its watershed is the largest completely within the state. –Wikipedia

The Journey Continues

♪♪Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… ♪♪ To start, I must give thanks to the weather that was beautiful. Especially since the day started out gray and overcast, and there was a prediction of thunderstorms later that afternoon. But, shortly into our serendipitous excursion many of the clouds faded making way to a beautiful bright blue sky with the sun welcoming us with a “Hi beautiful ladies. Welcome to the river!” and us with a genuine “Thank you! We are happy to be here. The pleasure is all ours.” At least that’s what I imagine. And, we journeyed on.

Observe! Dream! Breeeeathe! Exhale!

Now being a passenger in a speedboat was a first for me. And, speeding down the Patuxent River was about to be a curious adventure. We passed bridges, power plants, birds’ nests in the middle of the water, and beautiful river front homes. You know the kind of homes you awe at and in the back in the day childlike way you say “That’s my house.” daydreaming of the day that it comes true. Moments like those truly open or reopen the doors to dreams and desires of life and love and how one wants to spend it. The sites also included those summer day (well almost) like river moments of observing other boaters of friends, families, lovers, fathers and young sons, as they passed by in their small boats, big boats, sailboats, speedboats, yacht-like boats… Observing those who waited through the cold winter with baited breath for the sign that the weather was breaking. As they now just relaxed while taking it all in, fished or were crabbing for those delicious true to form Maryland crabs (not the ones from some other far off land of like New Orleans or overseas). We also witnessed young jet skiers and swimmers exhaling after grinding out a long school year. I hope and pray that they understand and are grateful for the true blessings of their life and not take it for granted.

Taste! Nourish! Connection! Breeeeathe! Exhale!

Of course, a journey such as this MUST include a foodie moment. Even on the high seas. If it doesn’t, it’s not complete for me. Lol. Our destination was Stoney’s in Broomes Island, MD, which is a seafood restaurant right on the river. And, it did not disappoint. After perusing the menu, I decided I just had to get the oysters, which were fresh and smooth. On the menu was a Rockfish Gyro, which was a cause for pause. My inside foodie voice reminded me of my concern of ordering rockfish because of the potential to be overcooked and bland. It was amazing. Seasoned perfectly (almost like blackened) with all of the gyro accoutrements of soft pita bread, tomatoes, cucumbers, and tzatziki sauce. A nice representation of Mediterranean meets Maryland. And, we couldn’t resist ordering the onion rings that previously passed us by (eye hustling) on their way to another table. Other delights were the Oyster Rockefellers (baaaaaacccooonn) and the Mussels. All washed down with the “aaaaaaaaaaaa” of a hot days cold brew and piña coladas that included a nice kick of rum and dollop of whip cream. The funny moment was our server who noticed the last name of Goddess G and was determined to find out if they were related. She continued going back and texting her relatives to find out, especially after finding out Goddess G’s family was from the same area. She was too cute. Although I felt, we were having a Rachel Dolezal moment. Hahahahaha… Actually everyone at the restaurant was just very nice and welcoming. That’s really important for us Black folk if you know what I mean.

Courage! Breeeeathe! Exhale!

Well, we were satisfied and full from our vittles, and it was time to speed on back to our starting point. I was surprised yet delighted that I was offered the opportunity to captain the boat, which I could not pass up. Hence, the passenger became the first time speedboat driver. Sure I was a bit tense and fearful as I intently concentrated on the waters, holding on to the wheel with a serious Kung Fu grip. But, it was truly exhilarating and a moment not to be forgotten. Even as I was concentrating and not wanting to recreate that unfortunate moment based on a true story movie “Open Water” (note to self: don’t watch those types of movies), I made a point to look around and take in God. Truly amazing.

Pause! Heal! Breeeeathe! Exhale!

My “Fast and Furious” moment was interrupted as Goddess L’s previous piña colada indulgence and never knowing how it’s going to turn out seal breaking had to be tended to. And, there was a little beach like area we made our way to so the anticipated relieving could take place. Why did they tell me the water was warm (not for that reason)? Sidebar: I hunt for warm water encounters like an addict always seeking that next ultimate fix. I proceeded to undress down to my in my head bikini and got to bathe in the river. I know. I know. You’re probably like “Ewwww you got in that nasty water.” Yep! I did. And, I’ve done it in the Bay too. Addicts don’t care. It’s all about the fix. And, the fix was perfect. I swear it was what my mind, body, and soul required. I glided on my back and just relaxed and absorbed the warmth and comfort of the water. At one point, I ramdomly popped up and declared “I’m at the beach”. Well, that’s what it felt like for me. And, we all busted out with laughter. But, that was my moment of creating a beach moment even on the Patuxent. No one else was as enthusiastic as I was to get into my dreamlike beach for pleasure, but I’m sure they would admit it was a nice moment for us all to just STOP and relax. I must admit it was quite healing for me. And, a couple of days later I felt like I had experienced a cleansing.

See! Pray! Troubleshoot! Breeeeathe! Exhale!

The potty and bathing moment was one of those serendipitous moments that soon turned into an “OH SH*T” potential “Lord of the Flies” moment. When it was time to head back after our beach meditational moment, the boat wouldn’t start. You heard me. It just wouldn’t. The handy pliers were passed and try try as our captain may it just wouldn’t start. Interesting is I noticed boats and the waterways could be similar as with a car. Not starting and making the click sound. The waterways have police and tow boats too.

We called for a tow which she (I mean he-lol-L thought it was a she from their voice on the phone and we knew better, but L kept saying she). It took a bit of time for them to get to us. As we waited, I learned that if you flag down another boat that by law they must stop and render assistance. One gentleman stopped (after L blew that loud @-$*[[*]%> horn thingy) with the cutest four-year-old boy and unsuccessfully attempted to jump us. But, the little boy was a much-needed distraction from our current existence with his inquisitiveness and cute four-year-old boy type conversation. We also found out after loud horning down another boat with a couple, that those distress stops can also be just for the obligatory concern. That awwww I’m so sorry for you, but I didn’t take a mechanics class, but could send you help.

After about two hours of wading in the water (that is while on the boat) and watching Goddess G paddling in circles (don’t tell her that), the tow boat FINALLY arrived. Mike (Brooklyn brethren) did some assessment and “HE” was able to do some tightening and gave the battery a super power jump with the much used rusted yet our savior cables. Thank goodness, because, being towed at only six knots (look at me with the boat lingo) would have sucked and took forever. And, I couldn’t have taken one more and especially one of a “Deliverance” mishap moment. Because, Doris (NPS Ranger who we also had to call while out on the water and convince her that Goddess G had the right color annual sticker-is it green or red) having to come open the gate (which would have probably been 10pm) so we could get our cars out of the park (you know they close at dusk) would probably been that thing to totally push us all over the edge (although L was already there). Humph… Just now thinking about it, that park would have been dark as heck. Smh! But, even in the midst of that mishap, we were still able to presence ourselves and take in the sunset. The water calming itself and the sunset created a much needed woosah moment and a distraction from our uncertain fate. Trust I said some serious prayers during those couple of hours. “Mother, Father, God please send forth the Water Angels and please help and guide Miss I mean Mr. Towman to us and get us back before dark. Please don’t let Goddess G kill Goddess L out here. It is so. Amen!”

Give Thanks!

I am sooooo grateful for the experience. ALL OF IT!!! Because even with the mishap, there was opportunity to be in the moment with helping, troubleshooting, diffusing, laughing (the comic relief for me and Goddess M was priceless), appreciating Mother Earth, and just enjoying the moment and each other. It was a reminder for us always to remember to just Breeeeathe! And Exhale! It was perfect. And, for that I am grateful for the friends, blessings, and adventures. I am grateful for those falling in love all over again with life and love, and its many wondrous moments all in the name of BeDoLove. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Ase –kcb

PS: Don’t let Goddess S read this. She might not let Goddess M back out on the boat. Hahahahahaha… Good times.

PSS: Sunscreen!

“When was the last time you did something for the first time?” –Unknown

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Breathe Lil Brown Sugah! BREATHE!: A Charleston AME June Night

June 24, 2015Be, Do, LoveCharleston, Emanuel AME Church, Rev. Clementa PinckneyBeDoLove View all 6 comments

The Charleston Emanuel AME Church Shootings: I’ve experienced much thoughtful, passionate, and intellectual talk (personal conversations or through social media) regarding the lives taken at Emanuel AME Church. There’s been much conversation regarding the killer. And, debates regarding the Confederate flag have now taken the lead. However, my mind and heart have been firmly planted on the five-year-old survivor. I’ve heard no conversation regarding her. She (and the four other survivors) is not to be ignored. My new blog post titled “Breathe Lil Brown Sugah! BREATHE!: A Charleston AME June Night” is my tribute to her.

It was a Wednesday like any other unassuming yet seeking and wanting to be fulfilled Bible Study Wednesday night in Charleston, SC. Ironic that Charleston is known as “The Holy City”. And, in recent years has been recognized as one of the most friendly, polite or hospitable cities in the U.S. Yet that was all lost (or was it ever really true) in a blink of a moment due to a lost soul. Actually due to many lost souls as he was just one of many unfortunate messengers who succeeded in being initiated in.

Emanuel AME Church

The chosen few gathered in the open arms of the historically, strong, proud, and standing tall Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. They came for their own reasons, their own seasons. Just like many before them. Since the 1800s, hundreds of thousands of saints have come to “Mother Emanuel” due to its rich and proud legacy. Coming for it’s spiritual guidance mixed with heavy doses of prayer, healing, hope, faith, and love.

But, on this particular Wednesday there was one special guest for the evening. Not who you think I may be speaking of. This special guest was lovely, young, and oh so innocent. She being a lil brown sugah that delighted all with just the existence of HER BEING in the space. Because with her you knew there was promise and hope from the already sometimes unloving, pain-filled, and uncertain world.

Perhaps this was Lil brown sugah‘s have no choice regular Wednesday night bonding activity. Sitting next to her grandmother and attentively absorbing all that she could only to later impersonate Pastor Clementa Pinckney, on her made up soap box as children do. Or perhaps the ritual was one of a fidgety child, anxious to move about and see what she could get in to. “Chile get out of that water in that bowl.” “Sit down.” Or an expertly maneuvered silent scolding by Grandma Sanders with Lil brown sugah being glanced at with THAT look. You know THAT look that’s enough to stop even a ferocious grizzly bear in it’s tracks.

As they were settling into Bible study, another guest silently arrived that June evening. He was quite different from the others. But as WE always do, WE with grace, politely welcomed him into the fold so that he too may take part in the healing words and teachings. “All are welcome. All may come.” Now of course a curious look was given cause we ain’t no fools. But, dismissed nonetheless because we can be a trusting and welcoming people, especially in the safe harbors of the house of the Lord. Not thinking much about him except that he could be of the Eminem or Robert Thicke type “where’d you get your DNA” cool dudes who were visiting just to see how we rock with Jesus and his crew. Perhaps being an ♪♪“intellectual, but the fear is just the same.”♪♪

But, that Lil brown sugah in her rawest and purest form was not be deceived or ignored. You know how children are with their bold and aggressive art of observing and staring one down with that not yet blurred third eye. Being sure to let you know “I see YOU”. And, perhaps to steal a smile or two while hypnotically inviting you to play peekaboo.

I imagine that’s how it went down that night when the innocent child met her unknowing thief of the night. Lil brown sugah saw him. She acknowledged him. He was not to be ignored. Until that unfaithful moment, he too became restless as he fumbled and brandished that cowardly weapon, his birthday gun that was no toy. At that moment, she realizing that the game was real because it involved playing dead instead of that all too familiar ♪♪peekaboooooo I seeeeee yoooouuu♪♪ endless fun.

One hour! ONE WHOLE HOUR he remained. Not even the grace and kindness of our people, the sweet and melting smiles of Lil brown sugah, or the teachings of our most merciful God could penetrate his already poisonous flowing veins that fed straight to his confused and severely damaged heart.

The innocent Lil brown sugah not alone as she was shielded, but alone to be courageous enough to fend for her own life. She pretending to lay nonexistent in hopes of avoiding the soon chalk formation of her breathless life. Silencing her own precious beating heart. Did her only five-year-old mind comprehend what was happening? You know we tend to discount the knowledge a child possesses. However, Lil brown sugah in her rawest form became raw no more as her sugar was instantly coated with the poisoned words and actions of a lost and sick mind. Of one possessing a heart of hardened stone.

Blazing up the trail of those Bible studying repenting souls who hopefully in their final moments were instantly lifted up into peace, even if they had not yet seeked repentance. Wouldn’t they get a pass? Surely THEY would get a pass!? Admitted on the express line to heaven. Allowed to cut the line right through the pearly gates of a now infinite time. VIP STATUS for you and you and you… With POPPED corks saying YES to a heavenly destiny reached even if they thought it was way before their time. ♪♪“We started from the bottom now we’re heyah.” ♪♪

But, Lil brown sugah, raw no more is left here. LEFT HERE?!?! Yes and grandma too. WHY?!?! Was it the bookends of their existence that spared them their lives? The still yet realized life of the young. And, a wisdom filled life of a loving grandma fighting for life for herself and her young.

But, that Lil brown sugah continues to be on my heart. Why would this be her fate? Would it be to live their dreams as their newly appointed legacy? To speak their truth? To comfort her grandmother in times of sorrow for she lost her son “Tywanza the poet and peacemaker” that Wednesday night too? Lil brown sugah left here in hopes that she can be all she is to be. One day so eloquently speaking the words of her truth like she witnessed time and time again watching the pastor speak his truth of the love of God. Of faith. Of hope. Of unconditional love. Of courage. Of perseverance. Of forgiveness. Surely God will be on that list. “Grandma, why would God let this happen?” After all it did take place in his home.

We can only hope for Lil brown sugah‘s healing, for this can surely be a haunting experience not only attacking her in her night sweat dreams, but also embodying her every waking day that she breathes. I pray she knows she can now breathe. Hoping that her Angels will not hesitate to visit her whenever she has fallen and can’t get up. Gently providing her still growing body with much needed CPR. Her appointed Angel(s) from time to time gently shaking her and whispering to her “Breathe Lil brown sugah. BREATHE!”

Top it off with what might be the counterproductive thoughts of those diagnosed with survivor’s remorse. “I’M ALIIIIIIVE!” “Dayum I’m alive. Why me?” See, demons can be vicious and latch on to one’s soul so tight that eventually they become part of the family. You know the one member you’d rather not attend the reunion. You don’t even invite. However, they always seem to show up and suck the honey out of the many reaching out for life branches of an abundant ring tree.

Damn that thief of the night. We know them so well. You know you do. You know that moment in your oblivious ♪♪laaaa la laaaa la laaaaa♪♪ younger days. That moment, that millisecond when your innocence was snatched from you from your own thief of the night. The moment that hurt being injured your spirit that you no longer thought or moved in a naïveté, I can do anything bold kind of way. The Lil princess or prince now banished to the forest to join the wolves. No longer dancing with them, but moving through life with a side eye of reluctance, while fighting for dear life. “Can I trust?” “Can I achieve?” “Can I feel?” “Can I love.” “Can I just BREATHE!” Questioning moments of one’s worthiness and soul destined paths. You remember the moment or maybe you might not as it subconsciously debilitates you even right now. Right.Freaking.Now! But, Lil brown sugah will remember that moment for the rest of her life. Forever and ever, Amen! The repeat reel will play over and over again in her head and broken heart. “To murder Black people”, was his reasoning he obnoxiously said. Where even at this tender young age, it is made clear to Lil brown sugah that in OUR America, Black Lives Do Not Matter through her no longer color blind eyes. Yeah, Lil brown sugah will remember that moment for the rest of her life. Forever and ever, Amen!

My prayer for you Lil brown sugah is that you will heal from the tragic memories of witnessing the nine Black precious blood shed lives stolen. My prayer is peace and grace for you Lil brown sugah. You are faceless and nameless to me, but I still SEE YOU! I still HEAR YOU! You are me. You are humanity. I still pray you will heal from your pain and once again BREATHE and exhale with ease. BREATHE and be FREE with absolutely no fear of being seen.

Lil brown sugah, I pray you will find the will to LIVE, TRUST, HOPE, BELIEVE, and LOVE! That you will have the unconditional love and support of a nurturing village, full of compassion and patience. That your recent stunted growth will be for a short time only to be birthed with wisdom and an abundance of love. And, that you Lil brown sugah, you will BLOOOOOM like a radiant flower. That you Lil brown sugah will BECOME the BEAUTIFUL and VIBRANT butterfly SOARING and BEING all you were destined to be before you were even birthed into this promising yet confusing world.

Peace to you Lil brown sugah. I hope one day you will have the peace of heart to live and love, pausing for many, many more moments to steal a smile or two like you did when you once played peekaboo. The peace of heart to BREATHE! To BeDoLove!

To Those That Transitioned: May all be resting in peace on the other side of those pearly gates. Embracing Lil brown sugah, Grandma Sanders, Mrs. Pinckney and her daughter, the third unknown survivor, and your family, friends and the world as our Angels.

To All of Us As Survivors: We are a strong people rich in beauty, personality, courage, character, intellect, culture, perseverance, and so so sooo much more. These qualities are firmly embedded in our DNA’s from those way before our time. We can’t be held down. We can’t be silenced. So scream, shout, cuss, cry, grieve… Do want you have to do. It’s okay. In the end, we will always ROAR!!! We will always BREATHE! Because, indeed “Black Lives Do Matter”. All of humanity matters. Peace to all in Charleston and those far and wide. –kcb BeDoLove

Backstory: I began writing this Thursday, June 17, 2015. It was the night after the Emanuel AME Church shooting in Charleston, SC. I sat at work feeling very heavy, yet also intermittently distracted from the day’s work. However, while everyone talked and posted on social media about those who were killed and the killer, I couldn’t get the five-year-old survivor out of my mind and heart. The moment I left work she came to me again, and I began composing this in my head while driving. I could not afford to let the thoughts pass me by. I wrote a good amount of this that night while at Half Note Lounge, while celebrating a friend’s birthday, head nodding and taking time to enjoy the moment by dancing and singing to the band Be’la Dona. All for Lil brown sugah. And, I continued to write and tweak throughout the weekend and early part of this week. And, here I am.