I’ve come to realize that I’ve been doing a disservice to myself when establishing or in the midst of a special intimate/romantic relationship. Being way too lackadaisical in my approach when ♪♪Getting to know yoooouu. Getting to know the things about yoooouu.♪♪ Often thinking going with the flow is the way to go because everything would reveal and work itself out in the short and long run. However, I’ve come to realize I’ve been extremely mistaken by this lazy whack approach when sourcing the love of my life. This also pertains to how I tend to operate in life in general.
Through about 33 years (could be more, but let’s say 15 and under years of age were the run, catch and kiss years) of dating I’ve relied more on my trusty observant, laying in the cut characteristic trait. Not asking enough thought provoking and revealing questions. You know those soul stirrings required to make informed decisions on whether I should continue rolling the dice for my next move of love. Or due to there being a crucial red flag(s) on the play, should I thoughtfully pause and perhaps close up shop with the quickness like when hearing the loud booming horn alerting of the pending tornado coming to a Midwest town, not near me. For me, learning as things were organically revealed was (Noticed I said was? Look at meeeee.) the way to go. This approach can certainly serve its purpose at times. However, after one of my recent serious self-reflection episodes I experienced an “ah haaaaa” moment (They are coming to me more and more.) and I now have come to grips that this approach should never have been my primary form of relationship exploration.
Here’s the “Real talk!” As my introspection has me now getting to know me on a more profound level, I’ve also realized that not being mentally involved in the process was probably my way of avoiding being uncomfortable with having those necessary revealing and vulnerable conversations. That way of being was keeping me from going all in, serving as a safety net for my heart as I was being led by protective yet often misguided Ego. Furthermore, being totally transparent could lead to finding out my romantic interest at the time was not my dream come true and was yet another failed attempt at love as I find myself once again ending my two timing relationship with “giving them the benefit of the doubt”. Or the big WOAH is they would find out I’m not their perfect match. Because, ultimately in my always wanting to know that I am enough, why would I want to go too too deep and reveal something that would put a stamp of disapproval on my already fragile and scarred beating sporadically heart.
What I’ve noticed is, I wasn’t asking thought provoking and deep diving questions such as, “What is your relationship like with your mother/father/sibling(s)? What was it like growing up in your household? What are your thoughts about marriage/children/religion? How do you and God get down? What are YOUR deal breakers/red flags? What are your flaws? Why did your last relationship end? Or something as simple as “What is your favorite color?” Sure, I could have the light fact finding conversation, unveiling fun tidbits in terms of thoughts on traveling, where they grew up, do they love restaurants… Which are important too for the adventures and love of life. “WHAT?!?! You don’t fly. ANYWHERE?” And, eventually of course I would learn their color of choice. “You love purple. OMG!!! I love purple tooooo.” Geez, who doesn’t love purple?
My thriving and ever nudging intuition would always be present and accounted for as my trusty guide. However, it was often ignored. But, I typically wasn’t asking anything of importance that reached down deep to the core of a human being. I’m speaking of information that would provide the necessary insight into if my love interest is going to be able to BE, DO, and LOVE life and me in the way that feeds my core in a healthy, nurturing, and loving manner. Can your being get down with my being? And, vice versa. Are we simply compatible in our thoughts, beliefs, desires…? And, for whatever is not simpatico for us, at the very least it’s not a violation of my moral fiber or interference in one’s ability to fully CONNECT with ME and ME with YOU. Yet are only normal differences that will occur because after all we are human beings living our own human experience.
Don’t get me wrong. I would eventually learn important life thoughts, positions or ways of being about my love interest either through conversation, observation or intuition. The thing is I just wasn’t in charge and ahead of the process and my destiny. I was paying attention, but I often wasn’t functioning at attention.
What I have found is one red flag and deal breaker after another, often were revealed before even the luscious fifth sealing the deal kiss occurred. Instead, having whether they are a knock me off my socks kisser like fireworks on the Fourth of July as a check mark. Which don’t get me wrong is a must for me like the many weekend Hallmark (I ditched Lifetime a long time ago because all those movies were teaching me the only way to finding and keeping a love interest was to stalk, manipulate, drug or kidnap them.) movies I love to watch because they keep my “I love being in love” spirit romantically grounded. As opposed to seeking out “Do you pray?”, I on the other hand in my true to form “let’s play it as we go along” would roll with it. Sometimes knowing what I know from the first dance, except I wasn’t leading. However, in an effort to just have “Love” I tell my best friend intuition (aka my oversized knot filled gut) “I got this” so go grab me a cocktail (to further dilute my senses) and then go sit your know it all ass down.
What I do know for sure is it’s time to lift the fog and allow myself to see with all three eyes and not from the place of fear and from which is limiting and playing small. I have zero time to waste and wait it out while slowly figuring it out. And, I require not another what could have been avoided heartbreak once I FINALLY remove the avoidant blinders as I tend to my “why you keep doing me like this” beat up heart.
It is rightful for me to see. It is rightful of me to know. It is rightful for me to say no by gracefully declaring “You know you’re amazing. I love that we both love purple. However, you love Lifetime movies and I love Hallmark movies. It’s best that we end this now so we can go back to the business of enjoying our Saturdays and Sundays on our individual lazy day couch.” It is rightful of me to have no less than what I know my spirit requires to evolve, thrive, be nurtured, be safe, and be loved. And, you do too my lovelies. It’s time for us to stop blocking the blessings and start asking the right questions and then LISTENING! Instead of getting out of our own way, on this one we have to be up front, leading the way. I like it to a maestro, taking your rightful place on the podium, leading and becoming in tune and in sync with your symphony as you create the beautiful and flowing melodies of your life.
But, what I also know is before I get to know YOU I must get to know ME. With that said, “Hi Kathryn! Nice to meet you…” And, then when I meet you my love interest, as my girl Jilly from Philly melodically speaks, ♪♪Let’s take a long walk around the park after dark. Find a spot for us to spark conversation, verbal elation, stimulation. Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations, elevations, maybe we can talk about Surah 31:18…♪♪ BeDoLove –kcb