The Art of “No”, Clarity & Empowerment

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Recently I was reminded about what it means to be in alignment with self and Source in saying that simple yet strong two-letter word “no”. And, not just saying “no” but really meaning “no”. Let me explain what I mean. By this I mean, say you say “no” in a moment because it’s really what you want to say, but either you allow another to manipulate their way into a “no/yes” or you yourself talk yourself into a “no/yes” because fear or self-doubt overwhelms you. So what’s a “no/yes”? A “no/yes” is I really mean no in this moment yet I find myself reluctantly and painfully saying yes because I’ve allowed myself to get lost in something occurring or someone else’s yes. However, what I find is when I’ve lost control of my senses and a situation is not flowing within the core of my true and healthy desires by becoming a “no/yes” I’m left wondering “How the heck did I get here”? The answer to that is because I didn’t honor myself, honor my core, listen to intuition/gut, and honor God. Instead, I honored fear and oftentimes that still scared little girl in me. The little girl still desiring love and acceptance. Still searching for her voice.

The lesson I continue to learn is, it’s perfectly in my (your) right to say “no”. No doesn’t mean I love or care about someone or a situation any less. All it means is in that moment IT doesn’t serve me or the emotional, physical, or spiritual health of my being. And, IT doesn’t honor who I am or what I’m called to do or not to do in that moment. Hear me when I say at any given moment a “no” can certainly become a “yes” after an authentic shift is harmoniously in alignment to what is healthy to me (you) and all parties involved. But, what is first required is for me to get away from the fear. The fear coming from a place of when I commit to myself and say “no” it doesn’t mean the person receiving my “no” will love me any less. It doesn’t mean I’ll lose a friend. It doesn’t mean my partner will love me less and in turn not find me as a compatible companion and end the relationship. It doesn’t mean a family member will accuse me of not being committed to the family. It doesn’t mean I will lose my job or be deemed incompetent. It doesn’t mean I’m any less committed to the cause of a particular group I’m working on a project with. And, so on and so on and so on… But, what I know is if anyone did respond in a less than favorable way to me asserting myself with a “no”, guess what? That’s okay too, as it is not the end of the world. And, perhaps it could be The Universe letting me know who can and cannot respect the essence of who I am. Therefore, creating an opportunity to remove the offenders from my life or create a different relationship with them so that a healthy space is created for me to be. The purging can also allow for me to in turn invite those into my space where a healthy exchange of consideration is a common and effortless occurrence. A place where boundaries are understood and respected. And, from that an authentic place of respect and love, and not fear is built.

So I thought about something. It’s interesting how besides “mama” and “dada”, “no” is one of those first words toddlers learn and seemingly totally understood even at that age. Not “yes”, but “no”. You know when a child is saying “no” they get it and they mean it. Like “no” I don’t care for you to keep shoving that nasty pea’s mess in my mouth because I don’t like it or I’m no longer hungry. Yet parents oftentimes do not read the signs, therefore, continuing to feed the child while their bib is the only thing showing signs of being nourished. Here’s another example. Baby girl hates pink and ribbons, yet mommy feels it necessary to adorn her with such, even as baby girl screams and hollas. The misplaced all-knowing parent does not understand how they are not allowing the child to identify with self and their true likes and dislike.  Therefore, the child is not being able to live freely based on what does and doesn’t feel good or matter to them in that moment. To take it a step further, I sadly bring to thought a child being faced with a loved one wanting to commit a horrific act against them and through manipulation and fear the innocent child has been forced to lose their voice in knowing its okay to say “NO” and then tell someone. Is this where it all starts? As a child. (You know most things lead back to childhood). Where at that age of exploration we are learning to exercise our better judgment and control of who we are and what we desire, yet a being of authority on the other end is like no I know what’s best for you. Or they are saying no I know what’s good for me so I’m going to force you into alignment with my unhealthy thoughts or desires. And, if you don’t follow my lead you get the belt (for all you babies born before 1990) or time out (for all you babies born after 1990). Here is where we start to learn that our “no” doesn’t matter or we learn not to trust our “no” and question it. And, if we do say “no” we’ll be punished. Not be loved. Be diagnosed as the difficult child. Hence, going silent. Wings prematurely clipped. Humph…

Saying “no” is like working out/exercising. If you’re not used to saying “no”, it may not come easy. You have to put the work in and exercise that right when it meaningfully presents itself. Some days you’ll be too tired and won’t feel strong enough. Some days you may remember how sore and how much pain you experienced the last time you said “no”. You know those days when you just don’t want to go to the gym. So you’ll backslide. And, that’s okay too. You get to get back on your self-love grind the next day and start all over again. Work on rebuilding your confidence. New moment, new opportunity!

What is crucial is when you lose faith in your “no” and your power, first you must forgive yourself. This is extremely essential. (I will talk about this further in the next section.) Then you must continue believing in YOU. Continue trusting in YOU. Be fearless and continue having confidence in YOU. Continue knowing YOU matter. And, again, knowing if they love YOU they will understand. If they have respect in the concept of whom YOU are and of boundaries they will understand. Keep in mind this is not only about relationships built on very intimate levels. It can also involve relationships evolving around business or social matters.

The more I think about it, this is serious business here. I would really like for you in this moment to pause, listen, and hear me when I tell you this. What we may not realize is that every time we don’t say “no” or uphold it, it’s an offense to our core. A core that remembers. And, the more we dishonor our core, more and more we are weakened as that muscle continues to weaken. It’s like when someone breaks a promise to you. You know sometimes their transgression creates disappointment, hurt feelings, or questions of trust. Well, it’s no different for you when you break a promise to yourself. Ohhhhh you’ve never thought of it like that huh? Let me break it down further for you (And, me too, since it’s what I too get to learn and understand over and over again.). When you don’t take care and practice self-care/self-love, your core has the potential to cease to trust you. IT ceases to have confidence in you. IT ceases to believe in you. IT loses its power. IT becomes very slow to act till it can barely flex. And, then what can unfortunately happen is we try to manifest/flex what power we do have left in very unhealthy ways. Oftentimes projecting our disappointment and loss of faith in oneself onto others in the form control, judgment or bullying. Or we project our pain onto those who really love us the most and who are right in the line of fire. And, that ain’t right. Right?

♪♪ So what’s it’s all about Alfiiiii?♪♪ Simply, it is in your right to say “no”. Not from the Ego, but from a place of love, clarity, confidence, respect, and honor. (As long as I’m not on the receiving end of that said no. Lol) Have no fear because when your “no” is delivered with authenticity and respect, if the receiver is open to understanding your come from, they will respond with respect and love. If they don’t, that’s okay too. All you need to remember is that you matter and how you feel or think matters and gets to be honored. You get to be assertive by exercising self-care and self-love, and in turn empowered with your core knowing it is being nurtured and love.  Hey, this just leaves more opportunity for you to be a “YES” to YOU. Hmmm… “Being a YES”!  Sounds like the makings of a new blog subject. In the meantime, go with peace and love my lovelies. BeConfident! BeClear! BeForgiving! BeFearless! BeLoving! BeDoLove! –kcb

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3 comments

    1. Zoha those babies don’t play. They say “NO” and you know it’s coming from their core. That’s probably why adults get in their feelings when they hear it. And, then go into control mode.

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