Recently I was reminded about what it means to be in alignment with self and Source in saying that simple yet strong two-letter word “no”. And, not just saying “no” but really meaning “no”. Let me explain what I mean. By this I mean, say you say “no” in a moment because it’s really what you want to say, but either you allow another to manipulate their way into a “no/yes” or you yourself talk yourself into a “no/yes” because fear or self-doubt overwhelms you. So what’s a “no/yes”? A “no/yes” is I really mean no in this moment yet I find myself reluctantly and painfully saying yes because I’ve allowed myself to get lost in something occurring or someone else’s yes. However, what I find is when I’ve lost control of my senses and a situation is not flowing within the core of my true and healthy desires by becoming a “no/yes” I’m left wondering “How the heck did I get here”? The answer to that is because I didn’t honor myself, honor my core, listen to intuition/gut, and honor God. Instead, I honored fear and oftentimes that still scared little girl in me. The little girl still desiring love and acceptance. Still searching for her voice.

The lesson I continue to learn is, it’s perfectly in my (your) right to say “no”. No doesn’t mean I love or care about someone or a situation any less. All it means is in that moment IT doesn’t serve me or the emotional, physical, or spiritual health of my being. And, IT doesn’t honor who I am or what I’m called to do or not to do in that moment. Hear me when I say at any given moment a “no” can certainly become a “yes” after an authentic shift is harmoniously in alignment to what is healthy to me (you) and all parties involved. But, what is first required is for me to get away from the fear. The fear coming from a place of when I commit to myself and say “no” it doesn’t mean the person receiving my “no” will love me any less. It doesn’t mean I’ll lose a friend. It doesn’t mean my partner will love me less and in turn not find me as a compatible companion and end the relationship. It doesn’t mean a family member will accuse me of not being committed to the family. It doesn’t mean I will lose my job or be deemed incompetent. It doesn’t mean I’m any less committed to the cause of a particular group I’m working on a project with. And, so on and so on and so on… But, what I know is if anyone did respond in a less than favorable way to me asserting myself with a “no”, guess what? That’s okay too, as it is not the end of the world. And, perhaps it could be The Universe letting me know who can and cannot respect the essence of who I am. Therefore, creating an opportunity to remove the offenders from my life or create a different relationship with them so that a healthy space is created for me to be. The purging can also allow for me to in turn invite those into my space where a healthy exchange of consideration is a common and effortless occurrence. A place where boundaries are understood and respected. And, from that an authentic place of respect and love, and not fear is built.

So I thought about something. It’s interesting how besides “mama” and “dada”, “no” is one of those first words toddlers learn and seemingly totally understood even at that age. Not “yes”, but “no”. You know when a child is saying “no” they get it and they mean it. Like “no” I don’t care for you to keep shoving that nasty pea’s mess in my mouth because I don’t like it or I’m no longer hungry. Yet parents oftentimes do not read the signs, therefore, continuing to feed the child while their bib is the only thing showing signs of being nourished. Here’s another example. Baby girl hates pink and ribbons, yet mommy feels it necessary to adorn her with such, even as baby girl screams and hollas. The misplaced all-knowing parent does not understand how they are not allowing the child to identify with self and their true likes and dislike.  Therefore, the child is not being able to live freely based on what does and doesn’t feel good or matter to them in that moment. To take it a step further, I sadly bring to thought a child being faced with a loved one wanting to commit a horrific act against them and through manipulation and fear the innocent child has been forced to lose their voice in knowing its okay to say “NO” and then tell someone. Is this where it all starts? As a child. (You know most things lead back to childhood). Where at that age of exploration we are learning to exercise our better judgment and control of who we are and what we desire, yet a being of authority on the other end is like no I know what’s best for you. Or they are saying no I know what’s good for me so I’m going to force you into alignment with my unhealthy thoughts or desires. And, if you don’t follow my lead you get the belt (for all you babies born before 1990) or time out (for all you babies born after 1990). Here is where we start to learn that our “no” doesn’t matter or we learn not to trust our “no” and question it. And, if we do say “no” we’ll be punished. Not be loved. Be diagnosed as the difficult child. Hence, going silent. Wings prematurely clipped. Humph…

Saying “no” is like working out/exercising. If you’re not used to saying “no”, it may not come easy. You have to put the work in and exercise that right when it meaningfully presents itself. Some days you’ll be too tired and won’t feel strong enough. Some days you may remember how sore and how much pain you experienced the last time you said “no”. You know those days when you just don’t want to go to the gym. So you’ll backslide. And, that’s okay too. You get to get back on your self-love grind the next day and start all over again. Work on rebuilding your confidence. New moment, new opportunity!

What is crucial is when you lose faith in your “no” and your power, first you must forgive yourself. This is extremely essential. (I will talk about this further in the next section.) Then you must continue believing in YOU. Continue trusting in YOU. Be fearless and continue having confidence in YOU. Continue knowing YOU matter. And, again, knowing if they love YOU they will understand. If they have respect in the concept of whom YOU are and of boundaries they will understand. Keep in mind this is not only about relationships built on very intimate levels. It can also involve relationships evolving around business or social matters.

The more I think about it, this is serious business here. I would really like for you in this moment to pause, listen, and hear me when I tell you this. What we may not realize is that every time we don’t say “no” or uphold it, it’s an offense to our core. A core that remembers. And, the more we dishonor our core, more and more we are weakened as that muscle continues to weaken. It’s like when someone breaks a promise to you. You know sometimes their transgression creates disappointment, hurt feelings, or questions of trust. Well, it’s no different for you when you break a promise to yourself. Ohhhhh you’ve never thought of it like that huh? Let me break it down further for you (And, me too, since it’s what I too get to learn and understand over and over again.). When you don’t take care and practice self-care/self-love, your core has the potential to cease to trust you. IT ceases to have confidence in you. IT ceases to believe in you. IT loses its power. IT becomes very slow to act till it can barely flex. And, then what can unfortunately happen is we try to manifest/flex what power we do have left in very unhealthy ways. Oftentimes projecting our disappointment and loss of faith in oneself onto others in the form control, judgment or bullying. Or we project our pain onto those who really love us the most and who are right in the line of fire. And, that ain’t right. Right?

♪♪ So what’s it’s all about Alfiiiii?♪♪ Simply, it is in your right to say “no”. Not from the Ego, but from a place of love, clarity, confidence, respect, and honor. (As long as I’m not on the receiving end of that said no. Lol) Have no fear because when your “no” is delivered with authenticity and respect, if the receiver is open to understanding your come from, they will respond with respect and love. If they don’t, that’s okay too. All you need to remember is that you matter and how you feel or think matters and gets to be honored. You get to be assertive by exercising self-care and self-love, and in turn empowered with your core knowing it is being nurtured and love.  Hey, this just leaves more opportunity for you to be a “YES” to YOU. Hmmm… “Being a YES”!  Sounds like the makings of a new blog subject. In the meantime, go with peace and love my lovelies. BeConfident! BeClear! BeForgiving! BeFearless! BeLoving! BeDoLove! –kcb

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been doing a disservice to myself when establishing or in the midst of a special intimate/romantic relationship. Being way too lackadaisical in my approach when ♪♪Getting to know yoooouu. Getting to know the things about yoooouu.♪♪ Often thinking going with the flow is the way to go because everything would reveal and work itself out in the short and long run. However, I’ve come to realize I’ve been extremely mistaken by this lazy whack approach when sourcing the love of my life. This also pertains to how I tend to operate in life in general.

Through about 33 years (could be more, but let’s say 15 and under years of age were the run, catch and kiss years) of dating I’ve relied more on my trusty observant, laying in the cut characteristic trait. Not asking enough thought provoking and revealing questions. You know those soul stirrings required to make informed decisions on whether I should continue rolling the dice for my next move of love. Or due to there being a crucial red flag(s) on the play, should I thoughtfully pause and perhaps close up shop with the quickness like when hearing the loud booming horn alerting of the pending tornado coming to a Midwest town, not near me. For me, learning as things were organically revealed was (Noticed I said was? Look at meeeee.) the way to go. This approach can certainly serve its purpose at times. However, after one of my recent serious self-reflection episodes I experienced an “ah haaaaa” moment (They are coming to me more and more.) and I now have come to grips that this approach should never have been my primary form of relationship exploration.

Here’s the “Real talk!” As my introspection has me now getting to know me on a more profound level, I’ve also realized that not being mentally involved in the process was probably my way of avoiding being uncomfortable with having those necessary revealing and vulnerable conversations. That way of being was keeping me from going all in, serving as a safety net for my heart as I was being led by protective yet often misguided Ego. Furthermore, being totally transparent could lead to finding out my romantic interest at the time was not my dream come true and was yet another failed attempt at love as I find myself once again ending my two timing relationship with “giving them the benefit of the doubt”. Or the big WOAH is they would find out I’m not their perfect match. Because, ultimately in my always wanting to know that I am enough, why would I want to go too too deep and reveal something that would put a stamp of disapproval on my already fragile and scarred beating sporadically heart.

What I’ve noticed is, I wasn’t asking thought provoking and deep diving questions such as, “What is your relationship like with your mother/father/sibling(s)? What was it like growing up in your household? What are your thoughts about marriage/children/religion? How do you and God get down? What are YOUR deal breakers/red flags? What are your flaws? Why did your last relationship end? Or something as simple as “What is your favorite color?” Sure, I could have the light fact finding conversation, unveiling fun tidbits in terms of thoughts on traveling, where they grew up, do they love restaurants… Which are important too for the adventures and love of life. “WHAT?!?! You don’t fly. ANYWHERE?” And, eventually of course I would learn their color of choice. “You love purple. OMG!!! I love purple tooooo.” Geez, who doesn’t love purple?

My thriving and ever nudging intuition would always be present and accounted for as my trusty guide. However, it was often ignored. But, I typically wasn’t asking anything of importance that reached down deep to the core of a human being. I’m speaking of information that would provide the necessary insight into if my love interest is going to be able to BE, DO, and LOVE life and me in the way that feeds my core in a healthy, nurturing, and loving manner. Can your being get down with my being? And, vice versa. Are we simply compatible in our thoughts, beliefs, desires…? And, for whatever is not simpatico for us, at the very least it’s not a violation of my moral fiber or interference in one’s ability to fully CONNECT with ME and ME with YOU. Yet are only normal differences that will occur because after all we are human beings living our own human experience.

Don’t get me wrong. I would eventually learn important life thoughts, positions or ways of being about my love interest either through conversation, observation or intuition. The thing is I just wasn’t in charge and ahead of the process and my destiny. I was paying attention, but I often wasn’t functioning at attention.

What I have found is one red flag and deal breaker after another, often were revealed before even the luscious fifth sealing the deal kiss occurred. Instead, having whether they are a knock me off my socks kisser like fireworks on the Fourth of July as a check mark. Which don’t get me wrong is a must for me like the many weekend Hallmark (I ditched Lifetime a long time ago because all those movies were teaching me the only way to finding and keeping a love interest was to stalk, manipulate, drug or kidnap them.) movies I love to watch because they keep my “I love being in love” spirit romantically grounded. As opposed to seeking out “Do you pray?”, I on the other hand in my true to form “let’s play it as we go along” would roll with it. Sometimes knowing what I know from the first dance, except I wasn’t leading. However, in an effort to just have “Love” I tell my best friend intuition (aka my oversized knot filled gut) “I got this” so go grab me a cocktail (to further dilute my senses) and then go sit your know it all ass down.

What I do know for sure is it’s time to lift the fog and allow myself to see with all three eyes and not from the place of fear and from which is limiting and playing small. I have zero time to waste and wait it out while slowly figuring it out. And, I require not another what could have been avoided heartbreak once I FINALLY remove the avoidant blinders as I tend to my “why you keep doing me like this” beat up heart.

It is rightful for me to see. It is rightful of me to know. It is rightful for me to say no by gracefully declaring “You know you’re amazing. I love that we both love purple. However, you love Lifetime movies and I love Hallmark movies. It’s best that we end this now so we can go back to the business of enjoying our Saturdays and Sundays on our individual lazy day couch.” It is rightful of me to have no less than what I know my spirit requires to evolve, thrive, be nurtured, be safe, and be loved. And, you do too my lovelies. It’s time for us to stop blocking the blessings and start asking the right questions and then LISTENING! Instead of getting out of our own way, on this one we have to be up front, leading the way. I like it to a maestro, taking your rightful place on the podium, leading and becoming in tune and in sync with your symphony as you create the beautiful and flowing melodies of your life.

But, what I also know is before I get to know YOU I must get to know ME. With that said, “Hi Kathryn! Nice to meet you…”  And, then when I meet you my love interest, as my girl Jilly from Philly melodically speaks, ♪♪Let’s take a long walk around the park after dark. Find a spot for us to spark conversation, verbal elation, stimulation. Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations, elevations, maybe we can talk about Surah 31:18…♪♪ BeDoLove –kcb

♪♪Givers are going to giiiiive. And, takers are going to taaaake.♪♪ Yeah I woke up this beautiful August Sunday with a R. Kelly like song in my heart. Goodness, it’s already August.

Who are my givers out there? Show of hands. You. Okay, you. OH! You too. Okay, I see you in the back reluctant to raise your hand. Is it the shame of your unappreciated and often reckless giving that now has you burnt, bruised, and depleted of the free expression of love you once knew? A heart that once overflowed with a giving, free flowing, and selfless love. A heart that is now as coarse as a Saudi Arabia desert sand that is the catalysts of a profusely sweating, disoriented, breathless you who now feels like a how did I get here used up fool.

Oh, lovely it’s okay. We’ve all been there. Yes, me too. And, I’m here to tell you it’s not too late to replenish your spirit. To be free again. To trust again. To attract those into your space, that will receive your gifts of love with grace and gratitude. Then reciprocated back to you two-fold and effortlessly from another love being that gets that they too were placed on this earth to be THE GIFT to you, and you and you too! You know how the Universe can and will do.

GIVERS!!! Yeah, I’m talking to you. Okay, wait a minute. You need to listen to this. Time for you to wake up and lift that self-inflicted blinding fog and hear me out like a loud fog horn that’s sounded to alert, wake you up, and guide you to safety. What are afraid to not see? What are you afraid to not BE? GIVERS!!! It’s up to YOU to be conscious and awake to know when you’re being taken and used! Because, most takers are not able to access the situation and question whether they are a giver or taker in a moment, and instead shift with love. It’s not in the takers handbook titled “I Take Therefore I Am”. Because when they are in it to win it at all cost, THEY ARE IN IT. Because, their Ego somehow has convinced them that they deserve everything that comes to them even at the expense of breaking down another’s spirit.

Keep in mind that takers are not one dimensional. Some may think that unhealthy taking only involves taking one’s money or gifts. You know those material types of things. Like this months rent from the sugah daddy or sugah momma whose looking for any bit of love and a caressing back rub. Even if it’s a lie “You know baby that I love.” Or the conceited flexing and flossing of a red bottom shoe purposely sashaying through the club looking for the first OG posted up in the corner popping bottles. Just as fast as the blink of a batted eye it can all disappear at that moment when the late night clock gongs and that sexy shoe has now turned into an ugly toothless crackhead pumpkin. KARMA! BEWARE: Real crafty takers have an art of thanking you and telling you how grateful they are only to return eventually and sh*t on you with their actions, and I’m better than you words. Be prepared.

Real talk! Taking can also occur on an emotional and physical level. Verbal abuse. Physical abuse. Financial abuse. Or how about this. It could also be that you’re always there for someone. However, they are like a thief in the midst of a cold, heartless night. They being unavailable when you need them most with a compassionate ear while exhaling over a glass of wine or with a ride to the emergency room as you are looking to heal your unfulfilled, damaged and broken heart.

Givers it’s up to YOU to govern yourselves accordingly. First know your BOUNDARIES! Access what feels good versus what doesn’t. Listen to your spirit because it is your voice that is there to love you and guide you. You know when your gut/intuition is screaming out to you singing ♪♪Stop the love you save may be your own.♪♪ Be COURAGEOUS enough to SPEAK UP and voice your feelings, concerns, and boundaries. Perhaps a verbal declaration is not necessary. Making a pact with yourself and acting accordingly could be enough to move forward. ALERT: Understand that most takers will not understand your change of heart. Let’s face it, you gave to them so long that it has become their normal pick-me-up first thing in the morning cup of Joe. So be prepared for them to victim you. They will cleverly confuse, shame, and guilt you to have you feel bad. And what else? They will make it about them as they continue their quest to take more and more and more. This will be where you will have to decide what is more important to YOU. Is it more important to give to someone that does not LOVE and APPRECIATE you? All because of the fear that they might vamoose out of your life to another waiting in the wings looking for love in all the wrong places being. Or because you don’t believe a true love being, whether they may be a lover, friend or family member can come along and fill a void, but this time lovingly and with compassion and gratitude.

I’m almost done here, but I first must ask you this. How can you attract and truly love another who also lovingly loves you if you don’t even know how to love and care for you? I know. I know. You as a giver, love and care a great deal about them. I get it. But, what about YOU? Are you your own taker? You must know that YOU deserve YOU too. The peaceful, joyful, fun, and loving YOU. Trust me. I understand the fear. But, the moment you start to take care of you, be true to you, and love up on you, you’ll start to experience a shift. You will begin to attract to your life those love beings and things that the Universe has ALWAYS had waiting for YOU. You deserve to be the loving giver and nurturer to you too so that you can be a healthy giver to others. So I ask again, “What about YOU?” You have it in YOU. It’s okay to CHOOSE YOU! TRUST YOU! TRUST Mother, Father, God, The Universe! And, KNOW it will, and you will be just fine. Time to be CONFIDENT! Be BOLD! Be FEARLESS! Be AUTHENTICALLY LOVING! Time to BeDoLoveGIVE! –kcb

NERD (GEEK) SOULS UNITE! Hi! My name is Kathryn, and I’m a nerd. Oh and a geek too. Hiiiiiiii, Kaaaathrrrryyyn!

Hey, You! HELLLLOOOOO!!! Let me holla at you for a minute. Yes, YOU! You, trying to act all hard and like you can’t just be silly and do some crazy out the box ish. Like you too cooooool for school. Trust me when I tell you that nerds do have more fun.

While at a Farmers Market recently in Baltimore (which by the way Bmore is on the come up), a sistah randomly stopped me to check out a t-shirt I was wearing (was gifted to me that morning-thank you). The t-shirt said, “Nerds Do It Better”. My fellow nerd souljah had connected with the wearable declaration, and we commenced to having a playful yet real exchange that ended with me saying “We gotta claim it.” And, she responding with, “It’s about time.” Our very brief encounter was quite fulfilling and plenty nourishment for the spirit. She got it. She gets how we’ve been suffocating, holding back often all in the name of how it might look. What a refreshing exchange it was. It was a true NERDS SOUL UNITE moment.

I imagine it started at a very early age for you. You know that moment that a vampire sucked the free-spirited energy out of you (this can also apply to dream snatchers). You were acting all silly. Clowning around. Talking to your imaginary friend. Dancing in that corny kind of rhythm less nation Saturday morning cartoon way. ♪♪ So when you’re happy (HURRAAAY). Or sad (AWWW!) Or frightened (Eeeek)… An interjection starts a sentence right!♪♪ And, mama or nana said, “Child stop acting so silly. Stop it. Sit cho butt down.” Or if you got Trinidadian peeps like me it would sound like “Tek care before I buss some licks on yuh backside.” HA!!! And, you not quite believing their seriousness, smirked and continued acting like you were cookooooo for cocoa puffs. And, then you failed the ultimate test of a hot summers day menopausal (yoooooo hot flashes will make a saint of all saints morph in to Lucifer the incarnate) patience as the wrath of big mama (or that Trini wrath) came down on you.

Perhaps you were often silenced. Not listened to. Criticized. Or for you it could have been more traumatic. That moment that the ultimate of violations occurred and your innocence was stolen from a suffering thief who was trusted with the most beautiful precious goods, in this case, an innocent young life. Many victims still living yet not living as they are caught up moving through life with the walking dead.

Now after the spirit assassinators moved forth with their lives oblivious to their transgressions or not oblivious at all as they deliberately attempted (and oftentimes succeeded) to kill your spirit, your path probably took one of three directions. 1. Your spirit silently vowed even at that young age that no one would steal your joy. You smirked, cried it off, and kept it moving with determined reckless abandon to ultimate success. However that looked for you. “Look at me. Look at me. I’m a unicorn.” 2. It had a profound effect on you. However, not enough that it would ultimately doom you to a consistent life of pain and boredom. But, at times had you noticeably tight-wound. Yet, thankful with the ability to self-diagnose the unattractive vampire symptoms, and subsequently being able to check yourself, process, regroup, and proceed to go all out in full nerddom. Ummmm… Yeah, I fall into this category. 3. You were so wronged that your free spirit and self-esteem were shattered. The inner child was prematurely put to death and you began to fall into a downward spiral of perfection, pleasing others, worrying about how you or it looks, and choosing to not dance like someone was not watching. As the beat of your own drum was lost forever. Hence, the student now became the perpetrator/teacher now shunning others because of their displays of nerddom and living their lives out loud. Passive aggressively inviting them into your soulless home because after all crabs do hate to die alone in a barrel.

But, trust it’s never too late to turn the tide. You can pack up and choose to take up residence in a joyful nerd accessorized home. How? It’s easy. BE YOU! Whatever that is. Tap into your passion(s) and LIVE it. It’s never too late to be the person you were put on this earth to be. Oh, and LAUGH. Laugh at any and everything, including you. Be silly.

Childhood Buddy Michelle is Down With The Nerd (Geek) Soul Movement

DO YOU! Ride a horse. Stare at pictures and statues in a museum. Climb a mountain. Go bird watching. Read a book. Lots of them. Star gaze. Go to the opera. Play chess. Join a band. “This one time in band camp.” Or simply wave your hands like you just don’t care.

BE YOU! Be an astrophysicist, librarian, curator, gardener, ballerina, genealogist…

LOVE YOU, others, and life! Forgive and learn to trust again. Not only others but also yourself. Be loving, compassionate, affirming, nurturing, and kind. Embrace your and others uniqueness.

I must admit that sometimes I allow myself to get caught up in the world of others who knowingly or unknowingly attempt to cease and desist me exploring and living a fun and purposeful life. Or who don’t get me or life and therefore rain on my playful displays of joy, silliness, and gut busting laughter. Sometimes I am unknowingly hypnotized and become the vampire towards others or even turning on myself. But, through it all I work (you got to put in the work to stay on the road of self-love and nerddom) at getting out of my own way and channeling my inner child as I continue to be cookooooo for cocoa puffs. And, by doing this I without a word but with action give others permission to do the same. You see how that works? Join me! Pleeeeaaassseeee! The movement needs you. YOU NEED YOU!

So it’s time to lighten up. Time to laugh as often as possible until your gut is about to bust (YO Dereine we are way overdue.). To dance silly and wild. Shoot you remember Ellen from Seinfeld and how she would get down? Full on so you think you can dance nerddom.

Your inner child deserves to breathe, exhale, and live freely. So by all means it’s okay to think and do outside of the box. Matter of fact Rule #1 of Nerddom is you MUST think and do outside of the box. Boxes are nerd’s kryptonite. If you’re worried about what anyone is going to think, don’t. It’s your world. It’s your joy. It’s your freedom. It’s your life to live. And, you deserve to live it as outrageously as you possibly can. Ride the wheels of nerddom and geekdom until they fall off.

SIDEBAR: One more thing. Forgive! Forgive! Forgive those jerks from your ruined Christmas past of reindeer sweater haters. And, forgive you because if nothing else you’re stuck with you for the rest of your life. That’s another blog post in the making. But for now, live your life out loud. The Nerd (Geek) Soul Movement needs you.

Find Your Voice! And, BeDoLove like a nerd/geek! — kcb

“Dedicated to my Nerd/Geek Soul Movement Squad.”

Baltimore-DC Caribbean Carnival Parade 2015 – Mud Mas